Aston is away.

What's holding you back from your dream job?
Submitted by Question of the Day.

Ah, how this catches a nerve!

I had obviously assumed that I was simply beset by twin deficiencies in looks and talent but I'm beginning to think it may be rather more a matter of timing. Before launching into a tale of woe, and by way of some context, I should perhaps say here that my father was a footman, valet and subsequently a butler and that I have always hankered after following him into private service...

It was therefore extremely gratifying to find that my online advertisement proffering my services as a 'Gentleman's Gentleman' met with so much initial interest. Sadly the many resulting interviews veered between mildly unedifying and downright squalid and in spite of the fact that the agency I used suggested that I could be placed in any number of positions by their clients I felt unable to fill any of the openings with which I was presented. On trying an alternative tack in outfitting I was surprised, nay even astonished, to discover that monocle engineering isn't the growth industry it once was and that even very highly qualified cravat-knot testers are now considered surplus to requirements; which fact which can only go to underline the general decline of society at large, but which nonetheless left me somewhat financially embarrassed. 

Thus it was that with a heavy heart I tried to secure gainful, if only seasonal, winter employ as a ladies' muff inspector at Harrods of London. Despite my numerous letters the esteemed store remained conspicuously silent (which I felt was a bit rich given their reputation as a high-class establishment). Quite why the Metropolitan Police felt the need to contribute leaves me at something of a loss, but their rather terse missive used a tone most unbecoming of such an august body!

The search continues.  

"The sky broke like an egg into full sunset and the water caught fire." -- Pamela Hansford Johnson
Show us a self-taken picture of the sunset.
Submitted by Connie.

Offshore on a nice evening

Sunset on the farm

Little Owl. With sunset for scale

The farm in winter

Improving book

Coupled with a decent malt and some music these should be just the ticket for washing away memories of a day at the office.

On the left Birding World. A learned periodical containing a mind-improving discourse on the merits of the Llys-y-fran Pacific Diver; a bird which remained in situ from the 16th of January to the 9th of February, and which I went to see early on the morning of the 10th of February. Damn it.

On the right The Chap. Equally learned and holding within it such gems as 'How to spot a spy' (from the MI5 Archives), the always readable 'Bounder', who this month investigates the supernatural, and the frankly unmissable 'The Fitting Room' wherein this month Wetherby Pond offers a brief history of the cravat. No man should be without it.

Show us a sign.

A Gentle Warning...

What are 10 things you've done that other people probably haven't? 
Submitted by Janette.   

I've a nasty feeling these will all have been done by someone else, and probably with more elan, but here goes.

1. I did a newspaper interview and photo shoot whilst sitting on the wing of a Hawker Hunter fighter plane. At the age of three.
2. I have come downstairs for breakfast and had to chase wild grey seals out of the house before I could get to the kitchen.
3. I've done a live radio programme about stag beetles and their associated folklore.
   
4. I had a bit-part in a Japanese wildlife documentary. (Admittedly there must be lots of Japanese people in this position but it's probably less common among my fellow Englishmen).
5. I've been shot at in Britain and Europe. Following an all-too-true comment from Brock this needs changing. So... I once ended up with a three foot long black bird attached to my nose by it's beak. This followed an intense chase round my bedroom during which we ended up under the bed. I should probably point out here that I was trying to get the bloody thing out of the house, nothing more! Following a brief struggle I managed to throw it out of the window but I had a scarred nose and eyelid for several weeks afterwards. This caused much mirth amongst those asking after the damage (particularly school groups I was dealing with at the time), not least because the bird was a Shag. Violent shag nearly costs Aston his eye did the rounds for way WAY too long.
   
6. I lost a road race with an electric milk float. To be fair I was on a very old tractor and it was up hill.
7. I once fell off a cliff into the North Sea whilst checking a mooring rope was securely fastened. It wasn't. Happily my auto-inflating lifejacket went off shortly after I managed to get back out of the water.
   
8. I have played football by Air Sea Rescue helicopter searchlight.
   

   ASR drops in
9. I forced entry into a building site with a film crew and a six-man police escort to investigate an alleged wildlife crime.
10. Sorry, that's classified.
    

A friend called me first thing this morning to share the following interesting thought.

The sensible tell us to always keep both feet on the ground... so how are we supposed to change our pants?

Hmmm.

What's on your holiday wishlist?

Lesser-spotted Woodpecker, Woodcock, Willow Tit and Hen Harrier (bet that's not a common answer!). Then I can finish the year with a respectable list. I'm also hoping for a good seabird 'wreck' and the time to hit the coast and see it.

Oh, and I'm also wishing for a quiet time with the local ner-do-wells. Had enough of our windows being shot out. Little buggers.

What's the longest boat ride you've ever been on?

I basically never do this but the question struck a chord so here goes.

In terms of time it must be a trip back across the Irish sea in weather that can best be described as 'bad and getting worse'. I spent a goodly part of the trip in our overnight ferry cabin watching the cupboards and fixtures flexing, opening and falling to bits. I recall being just old enough to know that this was a BAD THING. On the other hand my parents were both pretty good sailors and managed to convince us that it was just a bit of weather; nothing to worry about and all that. We were the last boat back into harbour, having taken several hours longer than normal to cross the (always choppy) stretch from Rosslaire. In winds that finally hopped up to gale force. Yum.

Shorter but oh so much scarier (and seemingly muuuch longer) was a late night jaunt back from the pub to our house on the Farne Islands.

Having spent a funsome evening being convivial with the locals in the Ship, Swan, Nightclub etc on the mainland we decided it was time to wend our way back across a few miles of the North Sea to the Brownsman (the island, not a person). All the local fishermen told us not to go... Which is the sort of advice one should never, ever, ignore. Still, needs must when the Devil vomits in your kettle, and we really didn't want to sleep on the harbour wall all night. Therefore at some time around 1am we set sail in a 10 foot inflatable. Crossed the harbour OK. Left the Harbour OK.  Hit the open sea: Oh my Holy Shit.

On a good day one can do Brownsman to the mainland in about 8 minutes. (grabbing air being a bit of a prerequisite). This trip took over an hour. In complete darkness. With the weather worsening. By halfway out we were navigating by two lighthouses (one at the Longstone, one on Inner Farne). You aim at the dark gap between them and hope to hell you hit the island and don't sail straight through to oblivion. The tides run at over 4 knots and with a contrary wind of about force 5-6 the seas were, shall we say, stroppy. With the Longstone light providing a level beam every 16 secs (I think, can't remember) we were doing OK till the middle of the Staple Sound. This area is notorious in rough weather and I've bottled out of doing it in the daylight several times. Of course there's less to see at night so we pressed on until at one stage the light swept across us and revealed nothing but big white water ALL around us. I mean 10 plus foot and fast-moving, nasty, horrible, shitty stuff that makes you want to get out and walk. For as far as the beam stretched. We were perched right on the top of a wave about to go down into a bloody great pit of a maelstrom. Then it went dark again. The rest of the trip is a bit of blur but I do know I had my hand on the radio with it already on the emergency channel all the way in.  I can still taste the salt water now. The driver, a bloody good helmsman it has to be said, dropped me off and then went off to his island alone! The hour 'till he called to say he was home safe took forever...

Stupid but oh so very repeatable. Yup, we did. Mostly in daylight though. I'm not a total idiot.

Longstone

Navigation tool. With weather for scale.

Jetty

Our boats are just visible behind the spray... Staple Sound in the background.